Coda King

Ask me anything   Submit   Hey, there. I'm in Cork. This blog is sort of more personal and contains some of my motley interests other than art. My own art is at christopheroregan.tumblr.com, and my art reference and inspiration blog is at growingback.tumblr.com

kamikame-cosplay:

Epic Link cosplay from Legend of Zelda by Amouranth. Photos by Michael Shum.

(via unknownyank)

— 6 hours ago with 373 notes
Nonviolent Communication can hurt people

hobbitkaiju:

realsocialskills:

People who struggle interpersonally, who seem unhappy, or who get into a lot of conflicts are often advised to adopt the approach of Nonviolent Communication. 

This is often not a good idea. Nonviolent Communication is an approach based on refraining from seeming to judge others, and instead expressing everything in terms of your own feelings. For instance, instead of “Don’t be such an inconsiderate jerk about leaving your clothes around”, you’d say “When you leave your clothing around, I feel disrespected.”. That approach is useful in situations in which people basically want to treat each other well but have trouble doing so because they don’t understand one another’s needs and feelings. In every other type of situation, the ideology and methodology of Nonviolent Communication can make things much worse.

Nonviolent Communication can be particularly harmful to marginalized people or abuse survivors. It can also teach powerful people to abuse their power more than they had previously, and to feel good about doing so. Non-Violent Communication has strategies that can be helpful in some situations, but it also teaches a lot of anti-skills that can undermine the ability to survive and fight injustice and abuse.

For marginalized or abused people, being judgmental is a necessary survival skill. Sometimes it’s not enough to say “when you call me slurs, I feel humiliated” - particularly if the other person doesn’t care about hurting you or actually wants to hurt you. Sometimes you have to say “The word you called me is a slur. It’s not ok to call me slurs. Stop.” Or “If you call me that again, I’m leaving.” Sometimes you have to say to yourself “I’m ok, they’re mean.” All of those things are judgments, and it’s important to be judgmental in those ways.

You can’t protect yourself from people who mean you harm without judging them. Nonviolent Communication works when people are hurting each other by accident; it only works when everyone means well. It doesn’t have responses that work when people are hurting others on purpose or without caring about damage they do. Which, if you’re marginalized or abused, happens several times a day. NVC does not have a framework for acknowledging this or responding to it.

In order to protect yourself from people who mean you harm, you have to see yourself as having the right to judge that someone is hurting you. You also have to be able to unilaterally set boundaries, even when your boundaries are upsetting to other people. Nonviolent Communication culture can teach you that whenever others are upset with you, you’re doing something wrong and should change what you do in order to meet the needs of others better. That’s a major anti-skill. People need to be able to decide things for themselves even when others are upset.

Further, NVC places a dangerous degree of emphasis on using a very specific kind of language and tone. NVC culture often judges people less on the content of what they’re saying than how they are saying it. Abusers and cluelessly powerful people are usually much better at using NVC language than people who are actively being hurt. When you’re just messing with someone’s head or protecting your own right to mess with their head, it’s easy to phrase things correctly. When someone is abusing you and you’re trying to explain what’s wrong, and you’re actively terrified, it’s much, much harder to phrase things in I-statements that take an acceptable tone.

Further, there is *always* a way to take issue with the way someone phrased something. It’s really easy to make something that’s really about shutting someone up look like a concern about the way they’re using language, or advice on how to communicate better. Every group I’ve seen that valued this type of language highly ended up nitpicking the language of the least popular person in the group as a way of shutting them up. 

tl;dr Be careful with Nonviolent Communication. It has some merits, but it is not the complete solution to conflict or communication that it presents itself as. If you have certain common problems, NVC is dangerous.

hobbitkaiju said:

Thank you so much for writing this. NVC was really helpful for me in learning to communicate better with my darling partners and most trusted friends, with whom I did sometimes need help in phrasing so that we wouldn’t hurt each other accidentally. I do still suggest NVC for that to people who are interested. But all these critiques are so valid and are issues I’ve been thinking about without being able to frame/verbalize/find words for until now. I really appreciate this. 

(via beatingthebinary)

— 7 hours ago with 2778 notes
sniffling:


the only advice you’ll ever need

sniffling:

the only advice you’ll ever need

(Source: twibs, via citizencian)

— 7 hours ago with 154881 notes
tiny-librarian:

The most famous woman in Roman history was not a Roman. Cleopatra - that was her name - was queen of Egypt. Then was she an Egyptian? No, she was a Greek. Sounds like a muddle. But let’s try to straighten it out by looking at some facts. These facts are not easy to come by. Yet scarcity of information has not stopped people from creating a great many poems, plays, novels, biographies, and movies about Cleopatra.
Ten Queens, Portraits of Women of Power - Milton Meltzer

tiny-librarian:

The most famous woman in Roman history was not a Roman. Cleopatra - that was her name - was queen of Egypt. Then was she an Egyptian? No, she was a Greek. Sounds like a muddle. But let’s try to straighten it out by looking at some facts. These facts are not easy to come by. Yet scarcity of information has not stopped people from creating a great many poems, plays, novels, biographies, and movies about Cleopatra.

Ten Queens, Portraits of Women of Power - Milton Meltzer

(via classicsenthusiast)

— 7 hours ago with 344 notes

I kinda wanna get back into Magic; The Gathering, (I must embrace the fact I can be a proper geek sometimes…) but I don’t know anyone who plays. I was only kinda into it before, never got into the community and that was like 10 years ago or something.. (I’m ooold…) There’s MTG groups in Cork, at Other Realms and at the Sandbox (which I’ve never been to) but I feel weird just turning up as a kinda newbie and asking to play… Maybe I need to deal with my anxiety a bit more before I attempt something like that. I would like to have a hobby that entails getting out of the house and interacting with people. All my hobbies are kinda solitary pursuits like reading, tv, computer and games (well the ones I like are single player…) 

I should just bite the bullet (and other cliches) but it can be so difficult to start… buh…

Nevermind me blathering……….

— 7 hours ago with 1 note
#personal  #magic the gathering  #mtg  #anxiety 
"

Once again, Caucasian does not mean white, and using it to mean white is actually racist.

There are real Caucasian people who live in the Caucasus region, and they are not white.

"
— 7 hours ago with 34224 notes

thecloneclub:

cosima-wants-the-d-elphine:

I sometimes laugh because I picture Tatiana Maslany standing up with that fire behind her eyes, delivering a venemous line as she stares ferociously at a tennis ball.

This woman gets paid to talk to a tennis ball. On a stick.

image

(via unknownyank)

— 7 hours ago with 5310 notes
"I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined, and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road."
Stephen Hawking (via likeafieldmouse)

(via themindofaconservator)

— 7 hours ago with 3019 notes

panicacidide:

Apparently it’s not socially acceptable for a man to invite another man out just for coffee or to go out for a meal, in case it’s perceived as a date. Like it’s fine if you wanna go to the pub and drink beer and have a chat but make it non-alcoholic and suddenly you’re not straight anymore? You can go to the cinema together but ONLY if it’s an action movie. You guys can’t even just go shopping with each other. Oh masculinity, so fragile, so strange. 

(via dusty-tea)

— 7 hours ago with 68956 notes
#sigh... 
Have you ever seen a peacock in full flight?

brainbubblegum:

morrissarty:

wildanimalwildperson:

I do not own these pics. They were sent to me in an email. But I thought I’d share with you all because they’re just AMAZING.

image

image

image

image

image

DRAGONS

I feel so stupid I didn’t know they could fly, I thought they were like CHICKENS, I never questioned it because these pictures never circulate, I am WAY OVER MY HEAD.

(Source: danswildlife, via dusty-tea)

— 8 hours ago with 227504 notes
askmoonmoon:

stellaxtine:

pep pep

smalldog has been knighted and may now be addressed as SIR smalldog

askmoonmoon:

stellaxtine:

pep pep

smalldog has been knighted and may now be addressed as SIR smalldog

(Source: cute-overload, via simple-cub)

— 8 hours ago with 105758 notes